Puu Ohia Trial or How I Shit my pants

So this is a story about the past.

This is like about a week before I returned home, something I haven't told many.

But it's too good to be kept quiet.

So i find this trail atop Tantulus.

pretty cool, but I was suddenly exhausted by like a half mile in. It was steep and fun but it killed me and my back wasn't holding up, probably could have used a little stretch and warm up before I ascending but I didn't think it would be that tough.

with my hiking poles at my side and way way way too much clothing on for my own good, I was a sweaty sore mess by the time I got to a point where the trail bled in many directions....

I chose a less traveled path....but then i chickened out because after a while I got that feeling like I was being watched and it felt just like when I first encountered the bore, a clearing then downed trees into a thatcher of little fortresses for them to hide out in...I was not going that way any more.

I backtracked and ended up on a not so glorious service road of paved concrete. so much for the jungle, but to be honest my body welcomed a normal path.

some dude was on another trail playing like the jazz flute or something, I laughed out loud and had gotten my second wind.

I was rewarded for my efforts with nice unexpected view of Nuuanu Valley, just outside of a big tree on a hill and an opening in the tree line suddenly green strolling valleys- I soaked it in for a bit.

Then I got stomach pains. Why Had I strayed so far off course.
Why had I went so far feeling so bad. What was i to do. I needed to crap something Fierce. Step by step I traveled.

it's coming out oh no.

back in

it's coming out oh no.

squeeze.

back in.

every agonizing step.

a battle with the turtle trying to poke his head out of the shell

a battle with the smooth visceral muscle

a battle with breakfast, now lunch, now dinner.

a battle with no end in site, like the Iraqi occupation

Sweat poured from my face

Deep intense heat built around my thighs.

It was like an orgasm my whole body felt it but imagine exactly the opposite... no euphoria just terror- my war on terror.

Jesus, I should just go on this Trail.

No I can make it. (make it where, I'm miles from anything anyways')

I go back down the large steps and basically climb that it took to get me up...

I stop and clench my entire body every few moments, I keep composure, but now I'm nauseous.

I pass a few others on the trail, and every time I stop and stiffen they look at me.

I place hands on hips and take a deep approving breath of my surroundings like I'm just savoring every ounce of it, like I'm licking my plate clean after some dam good pancakes.

They nod back like.... cheez "i wish I appreciated the earth as much as that man, oh peaceful he is, how at one with nature"

internal combustion, my stomach continues to turn food into waste, my miles of canals are still pushing but there is a clog in the system.

So I race past these last few treacherous drops, I the weary traveler make it back to the rest area and the very uninviting seat of my scooter.

(scooter 101 there is a large crown or hump on the bike, which is about where I position my ass as I sit and ride)

"there is no way I can sit on that now." "who the fuck am I kidding there is no way I'm sitting on and riding all the way back down this mountain and making it back home."

A small clearing in the back of the rest area....somewhat sheltered by the trees, but anyone walking by or in the house next door and I'm a flasher...

I rip all my gear off, I drop my poles, I barely am able to walk and take off my jacket my shirt and even my bottom shirt....Yeah I know I know, I'm in Hawaii with like fifty layers on....

I have a plastic bag at the ready to clean up my own mess and my Tommy jeans shirt, my favorite grey that I have had for like 10 years, has holes but fits me the best is going to be sacrificed today...

a moment of silence for the Tommy jeans shirt.

been worn in at least 11 states

in 8 countries

2 first dates

Saratoga Race track

one birth


of this large alien that is mounting an attack from deep inside me.


Relief.

no one sees me,

there is no way I'm picking that up with this plastic bag.

Tommy Shirt has served me well.

Good bye Slave Labor Tommy shirt Good bye.... I will miss you.


Somewhere my mother rejoices, her clutches always near to my dear shirt, I'll sow it. I'll throw it away, I'll use it has a rag....she has finally won and the shirt is gone.

No longer Grey anymore...

I think for one more second, maybe I could wash it...

It's still up on Tantalus Drive


PU U O HI A TRAIL RIP