Building the Better Gordon

Focus
Consistency
Decisiveness
methodical
tenacious
relaxed
content
balanced

these are the words I have lacked in the past month.

I have failed in many mini promises to myself, there is only one thing left to do- to end all this pain.

TRY AGAIN. LOL...

Lazy or overcaffeinated hyper uselessness.... been a struggle to get in the middle, my life suffers for this.

it's like let's go back to plan A: build a better me.

my mind is filled with resentment of cliched self help and motivational marketeers.
Systems of time managment, getting things done, living the life you always dreamed...live in balance....

VOMIT.

right now that's how I'm feeling. I'm enjoying this negative attitude for the moment though. cuz I know why it's there.

lost the buoys
the anchors
the benches/ the goal
the setting exercises
the centering applications
the voices of reason both external and internal.

it forces me awake, to write on this computer.

Reaffirm goals aspirations and such.

Just trying to be happy and live a good life....some of the happy things that lead to excitement can quickly lead to unhappyness. Bad habits lately and not taking advantage of life...

An Aside.

that is always an internal argument I have. the whole wasted potential wasted opportunity thing...

I ask myself am I taking advantage of this.
it's simple to answer when your eating a big ol pancake
but when I'm riding on the scooter from another planet... I forget,
I remember, I gaze upon sun splashed mountains and lush green valleys' I chase the cloud cover with my mind...
then of course I clench my hands hard around the hand breaks and live to write this blog.
Was telling a few friends I didn't want to go out this weekend, told them I wanted to just chill, didn't feel like drinking wasting time. they rebuttle with... ten years from now your never gonna remember the night you decideded to stay in and get some extra rest, or that you woke up and got into work early.

I had to agree with them.

I hated to agree.

But then I thought more of it, although this is largely true, there are other things, bigger fish to fry, broader horizons, shit to do, things to accomplish. So in response my mind chimes...

Delayed Gratification
Working hard so you can play hard.

and then the Red Sox make the playoffs and it becomes a bigger deal than it has to be... but I'm from there, I eat, drink, breath, and shit baseball... I spend mornings listen to WEEI on demand. A monkey wrench into the small insignificant daily musings of this child.

and in the words of Lloyd bridges in airplane...."I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue"